"Ninja" in the news...

This story has been all over the news, but in case you missed it, a Florida man recently failed to steal two ATM's and was seen on security camera footage dressed as a ninja. Authorities have dubbed him "the Ninja Bandit," which is unfortunate because he is quite obviously not a ninja. How do I know? Other than being a ninja myself, there are some dead giveaways:

• He was seen by the cameras.
• He is clearly out of shape.
• He failed his objectives.

Had he been a true ninja, the headlines would have read, "Two ATM's mysteriously disappear overnight - Police have no leads"

No, my friends, this was not at all the work of a ninja. This was the work of a pirate, either trying to damage the reputation of ninjas, or dressing up in the middle of the night to secretly satisfy his inner ninja. How do I know he was a pirate? Three good reasons:

• He was seen by the cameras.
• He is clearly out of shape.
• He failed his objectives.
  

Had there been audio of the security footage, I'm convinced we would have heard phrases like "yarr!" and "aye, surrender the booty ye metal devil clobberhead!"